The goal of my last series of blogs posts has been to help you and your partner uncover what it is about your lives, past and present, that has lead you into the sexual avoidance cycle. Hopefully after working through the topics I’ve presented, you have a better idea of why you are avoiding sex. Now it’s time to change the pattern.

What is Your Unique Dance?

It is time to look at how sex itself is working (and not) under your circumstances. Even if you have not been working with your partner up to this point, if you change your thought process, behaviors, reactions, and expectations, your sex life will naturally have to change. Sex will gradually become easier.

Consider what I term the “dance” around sex. I use the word dance because so much of what happens between couples is non-verbal. Examine what you and your partner do when you have sex and when you don’t, and you’ll discover there’s almost a choreography to your interactions.

What does it look like when sex is hard? In my next several posts, I will walk you through a series of questions—like those you’d answer if you were in therapy—to discover your steps in the dance. Notice that many of my questions ask you to reflect on what you’re reading in your partner. As I have already established, this information is a big part of what’s happening between you. It’s time to talk about that openly. You will end up with your sexual encounters laid out in front of you like a movie. Watch what’s going on and recognize everything that each of you is doing and why. Uncover your choreography.

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