A negative cycle starts when sex is disappointing.

When your sex life has enough challenges, you can get stuck in a negative cycle, feeling things like disappointment, sadness, fear, frustration, and loneliness. But there truly is a way to escape that cycle to create a sex life that feels easy, joyful, pleasurable, and even playful. It’s probably hard to imagine sex being anything but serious and stressful (if you can imagine having sex at all), but you can work with your partner to completely transform how you interact in and around sex. No matter how stuck you feel, there is a way to move forward. I want to help you change your sex life, connect with your partner, and look forward to intimacy rather than avoid or dread it.

How it feels when you struggle in your sex life.

If you’re reading this, I imagine that you may be unhappy about the state of your sex life. Perhaps in your relationship, sex is not working well. You love your partner, and you know sex matters, but sex has become a source of hurt, doubt, and confusion. I also imagine you’re anxious about confronting the topic of sex with your partner. You have no idea what you’ll find or where the conversation will go. It’s scary when you feel like sex isn’t working. It often causes you to doubt yourself, your partner, and your relationship. Frequently, it’s the thing keeping you awake with worry at 4 a.m. The human tendency is to avoid whatever scares us, so I imagine you and/or your partner are avoiding sex at this point. You’re not happy, your partner’s not happy, you can’t talk about it productively, and the problems are palpable between you. This is the proverbial elephant in the room, and it is crowding out the positive parts of your relationship.

Your sex life can improve, no matter how bad it seems now.

There is a way forward: you and your partner can get to a place where you’ll enjoy your sex life. If you both want an intimate connection, then you can absolutely create it. That’s probably another reason you’re reading this. You know you want to be more than just roommates. You no longer want to feel lonely in bed with your partner, with that invisible, impenetrable wall between you. You don’t want to repeat the awkward dance around having sex (or not having sex). You don’t want to keep putting on the charade and continue living in a world where you don’t enjoy your sex life. You don’t know how to make it better, but you do know something needs to change. You still have at least a slight sliver of hope that there is something you can do that will make a difference. I want to help you do exactly that—get on a path where you and your partner can feel good about the state of your sex life, instead of feeling sadness, shame, frustration, confusion, doubt, and dread.

Allow yourself a vision of your sex life that is light and playful; you can get there.

Since you are reading this, you have already shown you are willing to do something with that sliver of hope. You have hope in the possibility that things can improve. Embrace that hope. Believe that things can be good. Know that by adjusting your expectations, you will feel lighter. Sex can feel easy—and even playful. From where you are now—and this is vital to success—you must be willing to have the type of honest and open conversations that are the hardest part of this process. These conversations with your partner (and conversations with yourself) are a soul-searching reckoning about what’s happening between you and your role in the dilemma. Can you commit to that? You’ve got to go on faith, at least in the beginning, by not knowing if your relationship can bear the weight of the process. But I promise you; things won’t get better on their own. What do you have to lose? Will you join me on this journey as I share ways to break through and escape this cycle?

Watch my Just the Tip Tuesday about this topic:

You might also enjoy: 

Too distracted to enjoy sex

Neglecting your sex life? 4 tips to make it a priority

When negativity rules your sex life

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