Prioritize your sex life
Your sex life with your partner needs attention to thrive. Unfortunately, many people allow sex to fall to the bottom of their priority list when life gets busy. It’s even easier to do this if you have any issues or problems in your sex life. It won’t get better unless you invest energy into the intimate connection with your partner.
If sex has fallen to the bottom of the list at this point, your life is probably really busy. You are not sitting there in the evening wondering what to do. To prioritize sex, you’re going to need to displace something else. You’re going to need to make time for connection with your partner. It takes a while to build a new habit, so in the beginning, you’ll need to focus and commit to making it happen.
Plan time together, and keep those plans
I recommend finding a daily “anchor” time that you and your partner spend together. It gives you an opportunity to talk and connect. It doesn’t have to be long; even 5 to 10 minutes will be helpful. Sit down over coffee in the morning, have a glass or wine or a cup of tea in the evening, eat lunch together, or walk the dog at night. Whatever you choose, make it a ritual in your daily life.
Plan a weekly date. You don’t have to go out and spend bunch of money. There are inexpensive ways to spend time together. You can go for long walks, watch a movie or play a game at home, or go out and find an inexpensive place with live music. Start to build in couple time in your week.
Improve your self-care
Sex can fall to the bottom of the list when you’re exhausted and overwhelmed. If you find yourself wanting sleep way more than you want sex, it’s an indication that you need to take better care of yourself. Evaluate what you need to do to alleviate stress and to make your life more manageable. Brainstorm with your partner about how chores and tasks can be managed, changed, or let go so that there’s more energy left for the two of you. Consider out-sourcing your responsibilities if it’s at all possible – hire a housekeeper, get food delivered, order meal kits, use paper plates, or send out the laundry. Use the resources you have at your disposal. If you have friends or family willing to help with the kids, take them up on that.
Create opportunities to be intimate
Part of the time you allocate to your daily anchor or your weekly date can be used to be intimate. I recommend that you view this as a chance to play and connect and not as an obligation to have sex. Create the opportunity for sexual desire to arise but not the expectation that it will. Many people have a re-active or responsive sexual desire. This means they don’t feel like having sex and may not even think about it. But if they get going, if they get touched and kissed, their body may start to respond. Slowly, or suddenly, they start to awaken and feel aroused. Then they might want sex, even though just 10 minutes before, they would not have thought that was possible. You can create the opportunities for this to happen by just spending some physically intimate time together. Some of the time, it may turn into sex that you didn’t expect; you end up wanting and having more sex than you would have if you didn’t spend that time together.
Follow through if you need to see a doctor or a therapist
One way to demonstrate that your sex life with your partner is important is to keep your word and do the things you need to do to address your issues. If you’ve struggled with sexual dysfunction or physical problems that affect sex, you should see a doctor or medical practitioner to address it. If you’ve got personal issues, past trauma or mental health concerns that impact your relationship or your sex life, you should see a therapist to improve that. If you and your partner have relationship and communication issues that get in the way of your sex life, the two of you should see a couples therapist or a sex therapist to tackle those problems. Getting the help you need to move forward is a crucial step in putting your relationship and sex life first.
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