If you are the lower desire partner in a committed relationship, you should ask yourself some questions. I suggest you look at the dynamics in your relationship from two perspectives: where is the best in you running the show and where is the worst in you in charge?
The lower desire partner controls sex.
Given that the lower desire partner controls sex – evidenced by the fact that the higher desire partner will initiate more and the less interested party agrees to participate at certain times, at a certain frequency and in certain ways – he or she has a lot of power in the relationship. Often the higher desire person puts their self-esteem and sense of desirability in the sexual receptivity of their mate as well, allowing the less sexually interested person to also control their sense of adequacy. This is not always welcome power.
You likely have some very good reasons not to want more sex.
One way the best in you shows up is to be repelled by the overture for sex that feels like “neediness” and serves to prop up your partner’s ego. It is also possible that your partner’s “high desire” is doesn’t indicate an ability to connect during sex, to share moments of intensity, to create profound meaning with a partner. You may be showing the good sense not to be interested in this kind of sex and to refuse to participate in the sex that is being offered. You may also be standing your ground about how much sex you really want and where it falls as a priority in your life.
But it’s important to challenge yourself on your not-so-good reasons, too.
However, before you decide that your level of interest in sex is just about good sense and integrity, you should challenging yourself on a few points. The worst in you is involved in this dynamic if you are wielding the sexual power to hurt your partner and enjoying the pain you are causing. You may be avoiding having to address your own anxiety or limitations by fending off your partner and their neediness, using their issues as a diversion so you don’t have to look at yours. You may be letting your partner expend most of the energy to address your withering sex life without showing up at the table as a participant in the solution. You may be sitting back as if you are waiting for just the right invitation without stating your needs or even acknowledging that you have any. You may be perfectly happy sitting in your comfort zone and unwilling to stretch even though your partner is suffering.
Usually there are elements of all these themes at work in a relationship. The question is whether you can look inside and confront yourself about where you are operating from the worst in you.
In long term, committed relationships, there is always one partner with a lower interest in sex than the other. This is not something gone wrong; it is the nature of the beast. You can be comfortable in your position of less desire if you are honest about and tending to your own motivations and if you continue acting from your integrity with honesty, accountability and strength while working to create a sex life that is acceptable to both of you.
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