What I actually recommend.

These are the books, talks and sites I find myself sending people to over and over. Not a comprehensive list — a used one. Everything here has earned its place by being useful to someone I was working with.

• Mine
• Books
• Websites
• Videos
• Laughs
• Articles

About the book links: the books below are Amazon affiliate links, so I earn a small percentage if you buy through one. It doesn’t change what you pay, and it isn’t why anything is on this list — I recommended most of these for years before there was any affiliate arrangement at all.

Worth your time.

• Intimacy and Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship Dr. David Schnarch

  An approachable book that addresses sexual desire issues between partners.

• Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies Michael Bader

  A fascinating theory about what our fantasies and preferences reveal about us.

• Sex Matters for Women: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self Sallie Foley, Dennis Sugrue and Sally Cope

  The most comprehensive book addressing women’s issues in sexuality.

• Guide to Getting It On Paul Joannides

  Extremely well written and entertaining, with explicit discussion of sexual techniques and practices.

• Coming Home to Passion: Restoring Loving Sexuality in Couples with Histories of Childhood Trauma and Neglect Ruth Cohn

  Explores the impact of childhood issues on sexuality, and offers a practical path to recovery.

• Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems and Revolutionizing Your Relationship Dr. David Schnarch

  A groundbreaking approach to resolving sexual difficulties and the relationship problems they cause — showing couples how their worst disasters can become the ground for growth and connection.

• Becoming a Stepfamily: Patterns of Development in Remarried Families Patricia Papernow

  The seminal book on how a stepfamily actually becomes one. It’s out of print, and it’s still worth tracking down.

Three talks I keep sending people.

• The secret to desire in a long-term relationship Esther Perel · TED

  We expect one person to be both best friend and erotic partner. Perel’s argument is that committed sex draws on two conflicting needs — security and surprise — and that the tension between them is the point.

• The truth about unwanted arousal Emily Nagoski · TED

  On arousal nonconcordance — when the body’s physical response and the actual experience of desire don’t match. One of the most useful and least understood facts about sex.

• What young women believe about their own sexual pleasure Peggy Orenstein · TED

  Three years of interviews with girls aged 15 to 20 about sex — and the pleasure largely missing from it. A call to talk candidly with our daughters about bodies and pleasure, not just risk.

Pieces that say it better than I would.

• Why couples stop having sex: the paradox of yes in saying no Kyle Benson

  “For a couple to have sex often, neither partner should meet the other with rejection, anger or withdrawal.”— Kyle Benson

• How to grow up Pam Weintraub · Psychology Today

  On Schnarch’s argument that marriage can’t succeed until we can hold on to ourselves in the presence of another — and that the growth this requires is what fuels the marriage back.

• Porn is not the problem; you are David Ley · Psychology Today

  “Porn addiction becomes a label, and seems to be an explanation, when in fact it is just meaningless words.”— David Ley

• Why I want my daughter to have sex Kristin Luce

  On not getting in the way of girls becoming sexual beings when it’s right for them — and on how over-protecting them from their own sexuality does its own damage.

• Sex positive parenting becomingsupermommy.blogspot.com

  On why telling children the truth about sex isn’t granting permission — and why nobody else should get to be the gatekeeper of their bodies.

• Seniors and sexual health Lisa Esposito · US News

  Older people have sex for the same reasons anyone does. Physical limitations and medical conditions raise real challenges into the 60s, 70s and 80s — and workarounds exist.