Sex has become the thing you don’t talk about.
You still love each other. You’re still kind to each other. But somewhere along the way sex got complicated — and now it’s easier to avoid it than to bring it up. I work with couples who are stuck exactly there.
Two different problems, two different doors.
Most couples arrive knowing something is wrong but not quite what to call it. Here’s how I’d sort it — and if you pick the wrong one, don’t worry. We’ll figure it out together.
Couples Sex Therapy
Sex itself is the problem. Avoidance, mismatched desire, pain, difficulty with arousal or orgasm, bodies that have changed, or the slow drift into not-anymore.
Sex therapy in SeattleCouples Counseling
The relationship is the problem. The same fight on repeat, distance you can’t explain, resentment that’s hardened, or the feeling that you’ve become efficient roommates.
Couples counseling in SeattleCouples Intensives
You want to go deep and you don’t want to take a year to do it. Multi-day intensive work, including psychedelic-assisted therapy, through my practice Heartweave.
Visit HeartweaveAASECT Supervision
You’re a clinician working toward AASECT certification and you need a supervisor who has been through it and knows the requirements inside out.
Clinical supervisionLive outside Washington State? I can’t provide therapy across state lines, but I offer private coaching for couples anywhere.
You’re not broken. You’re in a pattern.
One of you brings it up. The other tenses. Someone gets hurt, someone gets defensive, and you both back away from the whole subject with a quiet agreement never to do that again.
So you wait. And the longer you wait, the bigger it gets — until sex isn’t a thing you do anymore, it’s a thing you’re failing at. You start managing around it. You go to bed at different times. You stop touching each other casually, because casual touch might mean something, and meaning something is exhausting.
None of that means your relationship is in trouble. It means the two of you built a pattern that protects you both from disappointment, and it’s working exactly as designed. Patterns can be changed. That’s the entire job.
The things nobody wants to say out loud.
- Mismatched desire
- Sexual avoidance
- Sex has stopped entirely
- Painful sex
- Erectile difficulties
- Difficulty with orgasm
- Low or absent desire
- Performance anxiety
- Bodies changed by age, illness, or disability
- Menopause and hormonal shifts
- Recovering after an affair
- Porn conflicts
- Feeling like roommates
- Emotional disconnection
- Never talking about sex
- Different ideas about monogamy
- Kink and desire differences
- Sex after kids
- Shame carried from childhood or religion
- Trauma affecting intimacy
This is not just a venting session. This is a turning point.
You already know what’s wrong. You’ve talked about it, probably at length, probably more than once. Repeating it to me in a nicer room won’t change anything.
So we start with your story and then we move. Each of you needs to feel that I actually understand your experience — that matters and I won’t skip it. But once I’ve got it, we turn toward what’s possible instead of relitigating what happened.
I’m an active participant, not a referee. I’ll slow the conversation down. I’ll gently interrupt. When I see the pattern happening live in the room, I’ll name it, because that’s the moment something can actually shift.
I’ll help each of you find your own part in it. Not to assign blame — the opposite. Your part is the only piece you control, which means it’s the only place your power lives. You have leverage. You have choice.
And we aim at something, not just away from something. Not “stop fighting about sex,” but closeness, ease, playfulness, wanting each other. It’s a lot easier to walk toward a place you can picture.
I’m not the right therapist for everybody.
I’d rather tell you that now than three sessions in. Here’s who does well with me — and who genuinely doesn’t.
This works well if you’re…
- Willing to get curious about yourself, not just your partner
- Open to hearing that you’re part of the pattern — and relieved rather than insulted by it
- More interested in being close than in being right
- Willing to try things that feel unfamiliar, awkward, or slightly ridiculous
- Ready to do some work between sessions, not just during them
- Clear that things can’t keep going the way they are
This isn’t a fit if you’re…
- Looking for a weekly place to vent with no intention of changing anything
- Hoping I’ll rule on who’s right and instruct your partner to change
- Certain the problem is entirely the other person
- Not willing to talk directly and specifically about sex
- Wanting individual therapy — I work with couples together, always
One more thing, since it matters and people are afraid to ask. I work with couples of every orientation, gender, and relationship structure — straight, queer, lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans and nonbinary partners, monogamous, open, and polyamorous. Newly together and together for forty years. Kinky and vanilla. In your twenties and in your seventies. Bodies that work the way they used to and bodies that don’t. You will not have to explain your relationship to me before we can start.
Hi — I’m Jessa Zimmerman.
I’m an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed couples counselor in Seattle, and I’ve spent more than fifteen years working with couples on sex and intimacy. It is the only thing I do.
I wrote Sex Without Stress, I host the Better Sex Podcast, and I train other therapists working toward their own AASECT certification. My own marriage has been through its share of this, which is part of why I’m so sure it’s workable.
I’m warm and I’m direct. I will like you and I will also tell you the truth. Most people find that combination a relief.
Why AASECT certification actually matters
Washington State has no legal standard for who can call themselves a sex therapist. Anyone can. AASECT certification requires over 160 hours of specialized coursework, 50 hours of supervision with a certified supervisor, and hundreds of clinical hours with sexual concerns. It’s the only reliable way to tell the difference.
What to expect, start to finish.
You send a request
Fill out the new client form and tell me a little about what’s going on. I’ll get back to you about availability and fit.
We start together
Your first session is the two of you and me. I’ll get each of your perspectives and we’ll name what you actually want to be different.
We work — in session and at home
Sessions build on structured experiences you do between them. The work happens in your life, not just in my Zoom room.
You finish
Most couples work with me for three to six months. Some come for a handful of sessions with a specific question. Some stay a year for a deeper overhaul. You’re not signing up for forever.
Everything is by video
I see clients across Washington State on HIPAA-compliant Zoom. You need an internet connection and a camera — that’s it. You can sit together on your own couch or join from two different places if that’s what your week looks like. There’s a secure waiting room, and no commute at the end of a long day.
Not ready to book? Start here instead.
Plenty of people find a sex therapist months before they’re willing to call one. That’s completely normal. Here’s where to go in the meantime — all of it is useful on its own.
Sex Life Assessment Quiz
A quick read on where things actually stand between you. Good conversation starter.
PodcastBetter Sex Podcast
Weekly episodes with experts on desire, communication, bodies, and everything in between.
ReadingSex & Intimacy Blog
Answers to the questions couples actually ask me, written out at length.
The bookSex Without Stress
My nine-phase process for couples dealing with desire discrepancy, in book form.
Online courseIntimacy With Ease™
The work I do with couples, structured as a private at-home program you do at your own pace.
GuideHow to Find a Sex Therapist
What to look for, what to ask, and how to tell real credentials from marketing.
The things people ask before they call.
Do you only work with couples?
Yes. I work exclusively with couples, and almost entirely on sexuality and intimacy. I don’t take individual clients. Working only with couples for fifteen years is what makes me good at it.
Can we have individual sessions with you?
No — all of our work happens with both of you in the room. It keeps things balanced and it means I’m never holding information from one of you that the other doesn’t have. Secrets are poison in couples work, and this structure protects against them.
How long does couples sex therapy take?
Most couples work with me for three to six months. Some come with one specific question and finish in a few sessions. Some want a deeper overhaul and stay a year or more. We’ll talk about it honestly as we go, and you can stop whenever you’re ready.
Do you take insurance?
No, and here’s the honest reason. Insurance only pays when one person is diagnosed with a mental illness and treated as the identified patient. Couples counseling for relationship and sexual concerns doesn’t meet medical necessity criteria — billing it as though it did would be insurance fraud. I’m not willing to do that, and you shouldn’t want a therapist who is. I’m happy to talk about what this costs; you can see current fees here.
What does AASECT certification mean?
AASECT is the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Certification requires over 160 hours of specialized sexuality coursework, 50 hours of supervision with an AASECT-certified supervisor, and hundreds of clinical hours treating sexual concerns. Washington State doesn’t regulate the term “sex therapist” at all, so certification is the only dependable way to know someone has real training.
Do you meet in person, or only online?
Only online. All sessions are on HIPAA-compliant Zoom, and I can see couples anywhere in Washington State. Most people find it easier — no traffic, no waiting room, and you’re having a hard conversation somewhere you already feel comfortable.
We’re not in Washington. Can you still help us?
Not as your therapist — therapy licenses are state by state. But I offer private coaching for couples anywhere, which covers a lot of the same ground. My online course is another option.
What if my partner doesn’t want to come?
Very common. Often the reluctant partner is expecting to be put on trial, and once they realize that isn’t what happens, they settle. What I’d suggest: tell them you want help changing a pattern you’re both stuck in, not help proving they’re the problem. If they still won’t come, the course or the book may be a better starting place.
This is workable.
I’ve watched a lot of couples walk in convinced they were the exception — too far gone, too long avoided, too different from each other. They were wrong. Not because they tried harder, but because they finally tried something different.
Or call 206-919-9488 · change@jessazimmerman.com